Merry Christmas from Krampus

Jill and Rich, our friends from Boston came out for the week and we went on a Bavarian/Austrian excursion. Please cross-reference "Neuschwanstein check!" for an explanation on what we did in Bavaria. As a side note, if you haven't already done so, check out "Wait a Minute" on the Farmhouse Films link (http://www.farmhousefilms.com/).

During Christmas Time or Weihnachtzeit, every city square is filled with the Weihnachtmarkt where food and beverages (Glühwein, Eierpunsch, or orangenpunsch are popular) are sold along with Christmas gifts and toys.

In Austria there was a special character often depicted by dried-fruit figurines: Krampus. Krampus is not the jolly happy soul that Santa is (see picture). Instead of giving bad kids candy, in Austria and parts of Germany Santa Claus (a.k.a Weihnachtsmann) simply ignores bad kids. However, Krampus does not. He comes to the front door and puts the bad kids into a large bag and then beats them silly with his stick (again see the picture).

The Teutonic people following the advice of such other German child specialists as the Brothers Grimm don't let the threatening legend live as a warning. We asked an Austrian market worker about Krampus' appearance at the Christmas Fest. A man dressed up in full costume, including sticks, will appear and ask parents if their children are bad. Those who were bad are handed to Krampus. When asked if he will actually beat the kids, she answered "maybe if he has been drinking more than a little, yes."

The same line of questions posed to a Nürnberger gave this picture. "Our Krampus is not as ugly as the Austrian. He shows up at your door and puts you in a bag, but doesn't hit you. I think I cried every Christmas, but would be bad again a few months later."

Maybe the 2-3 months of good behavior is worth the lifelong mental scarring. We'll have to think about bring the Krampus tradition back to the US with us and our kid.

Paris is still there

This last weekend we took a little trip over to Paris. The French are very different from the Germans with the exception of their shared hatred for bringing you a check at a restaurant.

While the Germans will not cross the street in a deserted part of town against the don't walk signal, we watched what seemed to be a set of World Cup qualifying matches being played behind a sign saying "Ball games are strictly forbidden". The sign was well placed since the park was located between several busy streets and the ball would fly past the makeshift goals and into rush hour traffic.

Yet the similarity when out to eat was striking. We'd sit down in a smoky restaurant and get our food within 30 seconds of ordering. After about two hours we figured that we had poisoned ourselves enough with the combined Marlboro and Camel fragrance and wanted to leave. However our waitress disappeaed for a another half hour and then ook even longer to bring "l'addition".

However, the food was very good. Sarah's veal stew and my mint and chevre stuffed rabbit leg were both fine examples of good French coooking. The quick lunches of grilled panini or other sandwiches are much better than Taco Bell.

Nothing's Happening

I've been wanting to blog about something, but the problem that I've had is that there hasn't been anything of significance to write about. Then it hit me: nothing happening is something happening!

That means that we have reached some 'normality' here in fair Germany. Things are unremarkable. We have an everyday lifestyle that is unchanging. Let me talk you through our days. First, there are two types of days. One is when I am working and the other is the other kind.

A. Working days. These days also vary, but the pattern is the same. Today I am working nights (7pm-7am) so take it as an example. I wake up at 3pm plus or minus an hour. Sarah's already been up for 7 hours. She is likely to be out working out and picking up fresh bread for my sandwiches I'll bring for lunch. I read the newspaper ads that are dropped off several times a day at our house. I then read the news on the internet trying to find out what's the latest with K-Fed and Brit. We eat dinner and I leave for work, getting there at 6:45. I stay in my chair for 12 hours until the guy I relieved comes back. I go home and go to sleep.

B. The other days. These are usually spent sleeping, playing scrabble and talking about what trips we'll take during the next set of days I don't work. However that schedule has begun to cut into our actually traveling.

So that is our new normality. Seems a lot like normality anywhere in the world.

Up in smoke

I forgot that there was one issue that I did care aboue: the smoke free Ohio initiative. The voters of Ohio were smart enough to see around the chicanery and hijinx of the smoke less Ohio initiavtive. (FYI for non-Ohio folks, the smoking coalition wanted a constitutional amendment that would make bars and restaurants excempt from all smoking ban laws.)

A smoking ban would not succeed in Germany. They love their cigarettes here. All restaurants smell like food outside and smoke inside. Even when no one else is in the restaurant, it smells like a team of French authors are holding a meeting at the next table.

The picture is of a german smoker doll. I've heard that you put insense in it and it appears to smoke. That's how much they like smoking. They are willing to burn and smell insence just to have a an idol of a man smoking to worship. This particular idol looks much like any given German walking around my workplace. I thought they would wear pants and shirts or sweaters. However, most men wear lederhosen and a fun hat. Generally, their mustaches are bigger than the one in this example.

I look forward to returning to Ohio to eat dinner or have a beer without washing my clothes and showering when we get home. Thanks Ohio!

I'm glad I don't have to vote

I was watching the news today, and by news I mean the Daily Show and Colbert Report. It seems that all you people in America have an election to go to. I'm glad I'm here and I can't vote. Well I probably can, but the effort required far outweighs the satisfaction I get out of it.

Here's the alternative that I like. I get to criticize all countries' governments and their politics. The one guy who makes sense during this campaign season is Borat. Nice. The French have their own problems with riots and xenophobia.

I made this decision despite the Armed Forces TV ads reminding me that I can vote and should vote. However, I actually don't even know who is running in my district. I feel that should deny me my right to vote.

My favorite one has a medieval knight asking his feudel lord to allow him to go home to vote. They load him into catapult and shoot him home. You may think that I am leaving something out, but that is it except a voice over saying to remember to vote.

That is compelling.

So I wish everyone who knows the issues and the candidates well. Make good choices for all of us who don't vote. Our future is in your hands!

Halloween Humbug

I've been wondering about how Halloween is celebrated in Germany. Trick or Treat in the U.S. is scary enough; I am generally frightened by small children. I know, I know, I need to get over this and soon, but really, what are you supposed to say to random kids that appear on your doorstep asking for candy? Particularly if these kids are saying "Trick or Treat!" in German. I can barely say "I don't speak German", let alone "Happy Halloween" and "Take just one, please".

A few days ago I asked our German neighbor with near-perfect English about Halloween. According to her, the holiday is typically not observed in Germany, but in this area of the country where there are so many Americans, trick or treating has become popular even among the German kids. (If I heard about a new holiday that involves lots of free candy, I'd get on board pretty quick, too.) Anyway, as our neighbor went on to say, while we have no young children in our neighborhood, the trend over the past couple of years is for the teenagers to go out, most without costumes, and ring doorbells (Bell is a nice word, by the way. It's actually a buzzer that could wake the dead.) until 9 or 10 at night. Great. And when you don't give them the candy they want or enough of it, you are likely to end up with a smashed pumpkin or stolen halloween decorations. And these aren't even American teenagers. I guess the Germans have heard about all of our Halloween traditions. Our neighbor's advice was to close our shutters tight tonight, turn off the lights inside and out, and pretend we're not home. After all, why spend our hard-earned cash on a bunch of ungrateful brats?

I guess it's a small world after all...

Dispo Dieter!

We recently solved one of the mysteries of Germany: what is Dispo Dieter? Listening to BigFM, the top 40 / MTV station, they kept saying the word Dispoditer pr some variation of it, so it had to be important. The DJs would also mention a website, www.dispodieter.de, but we never had the time to check it out.

When I finally saw it, it revealed the pollution of American pop cultured turning eurotrash into a hellish mutant. That being said, the website was pretty entertaining even if I didn't undersand anything on it.

For further research I went to www.dispo-dieter.de/dieter_privat/dasbinich.html and learned more about this Dispo Dieter. I found a website about a guy who dresses like this character or who may be the real-life basis for the cartoon. Wow. F-Fed watch out for this guy.

This phenonomon is train-wreck-incredible. I'm like the moth pulled into the firelight. Anyway, I hope you enjoy(?) this touch of Germany as much as I did.

It's Lily from The Daily Squink!

Who's that girl? Lily! Who would have thought that the star of the Daily Squink would make an appearance over here in the Deutschland?

The producers of Strangers in a Deutschland have seen the audience drop since the 10-day posting hiatus and reverted to the time treasured technique of the special guest star to boost ratings. Who can forget Sam Malone's trip to Seattle on Frasier or Dwayne Wayne coming home with Denise to meet Mr. Huxtable? But, since this isn't the real Lily, maybe it is more like when the mother on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was replaced by another actress.

This replacement is much smaller than the real Lily, like all things European. The cars, ovens and dogs are all a size smaller. For example, we're going to make a turkey today but the foil roasting pan won't fit into the oven. Neither did our muffin tin, but with the help of a wrench it eventually worked.

Maybe I'm missing the pop culture of the US and the feeling is manifesting itself in this histography of 80's/90's TV. Whatever the reason, I hope this creates a viewership spike and gets a mention on "The Best Week Ever". Speaking of which, have you seen that K-Fed is now in the WWE? Wow. That's fire.

Sprechenmeister

The French have a commitee that controls their language to include approving or disapproving new words. I don't know if the Germans have the same type of group, but my guess is no. It seems that anyone can invent a new word by combining some other words. The process seems devoid of sensibility or regulation, which is strangley un-German.

Take for example the German word for refrigerator, Kühlschrank. If you translate that literally into English it means 'cold box'. Likewise, a radiator is a Heizkörper, or a 'hot body'. It is almost like a fourth grade class was shown a series of new inventions and they let the dumb kid name them.

I think they need a Sprechenmeister (speaking master) to choose what words should be replaced by English words. I'd volunteer for that job.

If I were the Sprechenmeister, not only could I choose which words stay, but I could also modify the grammar. The first thing I would do is move the verbs together after the noun in a sentence. The Germans let the helping verbs stick with the noun, but dangle the rest of the verbs at the end of the sentence. For example: This morning, I have with my wife, a can of whip cream in one hand and a hungry grin on my face, breakfast been making. It can lead people down the wrong path.

I would definitely straighten out this language and may, possibly, end up learning it in the process. But if I can't be the Sprechenmeister, I'll at least try not to chuckle when Sarah and I are having our early piece (Frühstück, or breakfast)

Neuschwanstein...check!

So I am sure all you reader(s?) were wondering why there haven't been more entries recently. Well I've been working and exploring Germany, and being lazy. Anyway that exploring Germany thing went pretty well. My mom came here for a visit so we took a trip down the Deutsche Weinstrasse (German Wine Country) and tried local wines, stumbled across the Schwarzwald (Black Forest), and down to Bayern (Bavaria). In Bavaria, we visited Schloss Neuschwanstein (Castle New Swan Stone).

New Swan Stone was one of four castles Mad Ludwig, King of Bavaria, had envisioned to build. Unfortunately, the Bavarians got paperwork signed saying he was crazy so he was put into a mental hospital and just happened to drown in a lake, along with his psychiatrist, the next day. His death stopped both the construction of the castles and the imminant Bavarian bankruptcy.

Anyway, it's pretty (see picture) and a mandatory stop for all tourists. We've seen it now - twice. I have a feeling that this may become our "German Coke Museum". For those of you who visited us in Atlanta, the Coca-Cola museum was the default location to take guests. Neuschwanstein is in a better location but lacks the refreshment that the Coke tour provided.

However, I did have a bratwurst. German brats are like the stinking Cincinnati brats (or vice versa, I suppose). The meat is the consistancy of a hotdog, but it's white and flecked with dark flavor crystals. However the fries (pom-mes) are exquisite. You even get a little two-pronged fork with which to eat them.

Anyway, we're back from our roadtrip and I'm loaded with things to blog about. Get ready!

80% Advertising Campaign

This past weekend, being a long one in celebration of Columbus Day, Sarah and I took a trip to Belgium. See Exhibit A, a picture of a waffle stand in downtown Brussels.

Not being the ad specialist, this seemed to me like a valid slogan. Sarah, an expert in American marketing, pointed out that ads usually try and convince people that their product is superior. The American approach is probably seen as arrogant and rude. The slogan "Probably the best since 1950" is more polite.

I'd say that is a good way to connect with the customer, except the woman in the picture seems confused. I've begun to really believe that this "expect 80%" is a solid, inviolable rule throughout Europe, even in advertising.

Later that day we had dinner in the restaurant that was below our hotel. There, we quickly learned that the owner/chef/waiter was making up for those who were exceeding the 80% goal.

After being told our first choices were unavailable, we were served a wonderful meal and we were laughing about our 80% experience. However, at the table behind us was an American couple who obviously had not been introduced to the 80% rule.

Their meals came out and the husband was really put off that he got a baked potato rather than frites. The waiter/chef addressed their concerns by saying, "I did not hear that you wanted frites." The American replied as we would think reasonable, "But the menu says the steak is served 'avec frites'". To that the chef scoffed and let out a laugh of true incredulity.

"The menu?" he said, as if it had no relation to what somone should expect to eat. "Most people like the jacket potato, but, OK, I will bring you frites." A move made to insult and placate at once.

So, travel guides including Rick Steve's Europe through the Backdoor (funny title if you've seen his PBS show), should always say "Expect 80% of what you want." That would improve foreign relations and prevent innumerable awkward moments. Once you let go and embrace the mediocrity (hey, 80% is B; a C+ if you had a mean professor), you can find contentment with what you get.

Suddenly the waiter never bringing your bill is a free excuse to stretch the lunch to an hour and a half. Your top choice on the menu not being available means simply letting the chef recommend a dish. 80% is definitely not so bad.

Language Negotiations

If communiation is a transaction of ideas, I've learned over here that, like many transactions, communication can entail some bartering. The first offer is only a starting point; I experienced this when we went out to get some furniture for our apartment.

When picking up the stuff from the loading dock, the guy stopped, stared at me, and had that stupified look I know well from first hand experience. I give that look when I need to say something and have no idea how to say it auf Deutsch. I broke the silence asking a question to which I already knew the answer, "Sprechen Sie Englisch?" Let the negotiations begin.

"Nein, Italiano?"

"No, French?"

"Nein."

Crap. Much as the Euro is the common currency throughout Europe, I resorted to the common language, broken sentences and mime. Things go relatively well since both people really know what the other should be saying. Then I "asked" him to take the legs off of the coffee table.

"Der Couchtisch [wave hands up and down near ground] ... off?"

"Ja!" he said as if he figured out who shot JR ,"Die Stümpfe aufmachen!" I think that is what he said. I don't know for sure since I looked it up and it literally means "The stumps open!"

But, the transaction was made and I got what I wanted. The loading guy and I both felt like we accomplished something and Sarah and I now have a nice place to put our remote contols.

Expect 80% of what you want, except for the rules

Well, here we are in Germany, although with the crutch of an Air Force base just down the road. I have been here a month now but Sarah, my wife, just arrived last week after finishing arrangements back in Cincinnati. Having at least three weeks of experience to help ease her transition, I've found myself repeatedly saying, "expect 80% of what you want."

Rather than be open 24 hours a day, the super market is open 80% of the hours. Similarly, rather than be open 7 days a week, they are open 80% of the days. The stores also carry 80% of what you want. Given a shopping list, any store will have 80% of the items. The next you go to will still not have 20% of what you need and so on ad infinitum. The result is that you never have everything you need, yet spend all your time trying to get it.

The Germans love their rules. The packet explaining the correct method of bringing your trash out is nine pages. This is because of their complex recycling process (kudos for recycling, something Cincinnati hasn't figured out how to do yet). Paper goes in one bin collected once a month. Other recyclable are collected in a separate yellow bag once every two weeks. Biodegradable (Sarah knicknamed it biohazard) waste is collected on opposite weeks. Finally residual waste (trash) is collected sometimes.

The previous tenents in our apartment had a large family and therefore got a larger trash can. My landlord told me on the sly that he would do a favor and not inform the government that we are only two people and shouldn't have the luxury of 4 extra liters of trash. Thanks. I've heard the German government can come down hard on criminals and that is quite a risk.

The rules for recycling are also confusing. Used paper products can be recycled unless they are greasy or oily, then they are residual waste. It's nice to know that someone's old, used Kleenex is now paper of my Wochenblatt, the weekly city news bulletin that I use to cool our freshly baked cookies on.

Still things are new and exciting. Learning rules, customs, and ways of living in a language you're just now trying to learn is exciting. And when I have overly high expectations, 80% of that should be just fine.